I have depression and anxiety. My first blog post!

I didn’t know I had depression.

My entire adult life I have dealt with anxiety and depression, although for a huge portion of the time it didn’t have a name.  I had heard of the term depression but didn’t know what it meant and had no idea that I suffered from this debilitating disease.

Sadness was just part of my personality that I could not change.

I  thought I was sad and that this was  part of my personality.  One time in college, I thought to myself, “Boy, I really feel sad today.”  Feeling sad was normal to me, but I had no idea that it could have been something more.

Why do I have depression?

I showed so many signs of anxiety and depression at such an early age in life.  Everything happens for a reason, and my reason in life was to have this experience.  Why exactly?  I am not completely sure, but maybe it was to teach someone else something about it.

My younger years…

I remember my mom telling me in grade school that one of my teachers described me as being very serious.  At the time, I didn’t know what “serious” meant.  However, I believed it had to be something negative.  I was painfully shy for the majority of my youth.  Sometimes I would completely shut down in social situations.  Eventually, I just avoided social interactions all together.  Grade school was tough at times especially while I started to go through puberty.

But middle school was an entirely different story.  Both boys and girls bullied me in middle school.  To make things more difficult, middle school was the most awkward time of my life.  My fear of others and my low self esteem kept me from sticking up for myself, so I suffered in silence.

My high school years…

In high school, I began participating in sports and music.  I surprised a lot of teachers at how aggressive I could be on the court or field and yet be so quiet in class.   Rarely, if ever, I spoke up in any classroom situation.  I had few friends just because I didn’t talk.  I did not speak to boys, because I was terrified. Fearing rejection, I never took a chance at telling a boy that I liked him.  On more than one occasion, I remember not saying a single word throughout the entire school day and not having anyone speak to me either.  Finally, after school, I would speak at sports practice.  Sports was where I felt most comfortable.  I truly felt alive while playing sports.  

By my later years in high school, I made some close friends and life was more interesting and fun.  I really only saw my friends at school.  So on the weekends, I was always at home with my family.  This was boring. My siblings were all much younger than me, and I didn’t become close to them until I left home for college.

So, for a teenager,  life at home was pretty dull.  I never talked to my friends on the phone.  Talking on the phone made me very nervous and anxious.  I actually developed a real fear of having to speak on the phone that lasted well into my adult life.

(April 5, 2016)

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The present moment…

Fast forward 24 years into the future.  I am a teacher.  My husband and I have 2 amazing children. I still suffer from depression and anxiety.  As time has passed, I have learned many things about myself and this disease that ruins so many lives. I understand that I create my own reality and the person who has to take care of me above all other people is me.  

Of course, I rely on so many others for help: family, friends, doctors, and other professionals.  I have to continue to work everyday on being better.  If I don’t work everyday, I will struggle and falter.  My goal now is to live day to day and more specifically moment to moment.

I know why I have had to endure this experience.

I know now, without a doubt, the answer to the question I asked myself almost a year ago. My purpose in this life is to do everything in my power to make sure my loved ones, and as many other people as possible, even total strangers, do not suffer in this short life because of depression and anxiety.

This is why I have finally made the decision and commitment to start this blog.  I hope to teach and give advice and support to as many people as I possibly can. I have faith that I will be able to do this. Please go on this journey with me.

God bless,
❤️ Marji

About Marji Lane

Born, raised, and lived my whole life in Kansas, I am a full time teacher, wife, and mother. I suffer from anxiety and depression and have to work everyday to keep my mental illness under control. I love God, my family, KU basketball, KC Royals baseball, crafting!

4 thoughts on “I have depression and anxiety. My first blog post!

  1. I’m with you, Marji! You have this group of wonderful ladies, and myself, that will be praying for and encouraging you every step of the way! So proud of your first blog step. 🙂

    -Becca

    1. Thank you, Becca! I am so thankful to have met you and the other girls. I pray to that this blog takes off and that I am able to stick with it to make it successful!

  2. My darling granddaughter, Marji, I am so proud of you, this is so unselfish of you to do this blog. I love you to the moon and back. Your grandmother.

    1. Grandma, thank you so very much from the bottom of my heart! It means so much to me to have your support! Thanks for reading this and replying to it. I am planning to come home next weekend so I will probably see you Saturday. I love you!!

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