I Have This Hope – Dealing With Change

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I am a very sensitive person…

Change is an inevitable part of life, and it can be hard to deal with.  I am a very sensitive person. Living with tough changes can make a person with depression cry a lot more than people who don’t have depression. This includes people who are already very emotional.  I’ve probably cried 10 million tears in this lifetime and will probably cry 10 million more. 

For me, this is difficult because it is so embarrassing. Too many times I have cried during inappropriate moments. Though for the longest time, I kept all my feelings to myself. I held all the pain and tears in, because that is what I thought I was supposed to do.  I didn’t want to upset or burden other people.

I hated crying in front of my Dad. He had too many other younger children than me, and I am sure he got tired of hearing all the crying. As I got older, about high school age, I still tried to hold in all my emotions. Everything felt tight in my chest all the time. When I did cry during these times, it was usually at night when I cried myself to sleep.

I Have This Hope…

I recently heard this beautiful song and I felt like it spoke to me and gave me a lot of comfort.  I want to share a few of the lyrics.  This post has an affiliate link.  Check it  The song is called I Have This Hope  by Tenth Avenue North.

As I walk this great unknown

Questions come and questions go

Was there purpose for the pain?

Did I cry these tears in vain?

I don’t want to live in fear

I want to trust that You are near

Trust Your grace can be seen

In both triumph and tragedy

I have this hope

In the depth of my soul

In the flood or the fire

You’re with me and You won’t let go

Obviously, this song refers to the Lord being with us in our time of need.  I like the lines “Was there purpose for the pain? Did I cry these tears in vain?”  I believe now that all my tears were not cried in vain, and writing this blog now is my purpose for the pain.

 I am positive that my soul has had to learn this lesson in order to help others.  Whether I am helping my own family or friends, or whether I am helping total strangers, I want to help any and everyone to learn how to understand and cope with their struggles in order to lead their best possible life.

I Didn’t Know That Depression Was An Actual Illness…

It wasn’t until college, and at that time, which I realize now, I was becoming clinically depressed, that I started to keep a journal. Leaving home to come to college was the beginning of my life with depression.

People say there are all sorts of life events that can be triggers for depression: a death in the family, a new marriage or divorce, a move to a new city, or even starting a new job. Why is this so?  I believe that it is change that we are just not mentally or emotionally prepared for.

Change Is Inevitable…

Tomorrow is a new day, and change is inevitable. Everyone knows that. Sometimes, we welcome it with open arms and other times it happens so fast it makes our heads spin!  But, sadly, an unexpected change, or turn of events, can make our lives completely upend themselves. It can often lead us down a lonely road that makes it very difficult to find our way back home.

This is what happened to me when I moved away to college. I only moved 30 minutes away from my home and family, but it might as well have been a thousand miles. I remember thinking at the time that it was completely unnatural for me to leave my parents behind the way I did. It just never felt like the right thing to do. One wonderful thing that came out of this separation though, I finally started really liking my younger siblings for the first time ever. They truly became my best friends at this time, and I cherished the time when we did have the chance to be together. I didn’t take that time of my life for granted.

So, I am Depressed…

So, how do we get out of a funk like the one I was in during my college years?  I honestly do not know how I even graduated from college being in the condition I was in. The funny thing is, at this time, I still didn’t know I suffered from a disease called depression. I didn’t know I needed medical help.

One thing that helped me get through my day to day struggle was that I wrote in my journal many nights before bed. Honestly, my journal was my best friend when I was in college.  Writing was a type of therapy for me. It was my only opportunity where I could be completely honest with myself.

I wrote about the loneliness in missing my family, and the many weekends I spent with my family. I wrote about the crushes I had on boys and how fearful I was of ever letting a boy know that I actually liked him for fear of rejection. Then, I wrote about the fear of losing my loved ones. These were the main themes of my journal entries: rejection, loneliness, and fear. I intend to write more about all of these things in future posts.

Fast Forward…

Just last weekend, I was lucky enough to have the time to go spend the weekend with my children, sister, her children, and my mom and dad at my parents’ home where I grew up. I had the opportunity, as well, to visit with my grandma.

My mom, sister, grandma, and I were sitting around visiting and had a wonderful conversation. We decided that the best way to live this life is to accept your life the way it is. For me, this means accepting that I have to work everyday dealing with and helping myself cope with anxiety and depression.

So what should you do right now?

My life may be crazy, and I might even be crazy, but I am happy and there is no reason why all of us can’t be happy too. But, you have to make a conscious decision to make your life better. You have to have a plan, and then put that plan into action.  This may mean confiding in friends and family, seeing a therapist or your doctor, or even taking medication. The main point is you have to be willing to change something that is not working in your life to make it better for you. This is something you deserve and need to make time to do.

Change is inevitable. Good changes that help us become better people are the best changes to make!  I have so many more experiences and ideas to share with you to help us all become better people and feel better about ourselves. If there is anything specific that you would like to see in a post that you are interested in learning about, please shoot me an email and I will be more than happy to address it. Until then, take care of yourself!

God bless,

Marji

 

About Marji Lane

Born, raised, and lived my whole life in Kansas, I am a full time teacher, wife, and mother. I suffer from anxiety and depression and have to work everyday to keep my mental illness under control. I love God, my family, KU basketball, KC Royals baseball, crafting!

2 thoughts on “I Have This Hope – Dealing With Change

    1. Thank you for reading my post, Susan! I really do appreciate it!

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